Fighting Fear with Faith
 

            I am lost. Lost in thought; lost in the world; lost in the idea of the chaos that surrounds each neuron being fired from my brain to the tips of my fingers as I type. Type to find some order, that is; write to feel some lucidity again because these dark images and these frantic thoughts keep looping in my frontal lobe. But the galaxy loves disorder and, in fact, craves it as though it would end should the day ever come when perfect order blankets over the land and sea. Entropy, the disorder in the natural world, is always favored to increase. This is how it has always been. This is how it will always be. So why should I go against nature? Who am I to stand against the current, fighting with every fiber of my being to keep from going under so that I can minimize my discomfort, my confusion? This defies all things that the biological and naturally occurring world strive for each second of my existence. It doesn’t make sense that I should be doing the opposite. Although I find the words are forming, the picture remains unclear. Here begins the terrorizing, nightmarish affair that robs my thoughts of all peace. And I know it’s coming. The blackness rolls in and the suffocating air reaches deep into my larynx while I stare up into the beady, red eyes of Fear. I’m asking questions of things I already know the answer to. I know I’ve known these unknowns before. Surely I know them now, too.
 

            Fear is the one who’s blocked out these things I know that I’ve known forever -- the truths. Those truths that seem like memories from a dream I’m trying to remember. I know they’re there; I know they’re real. The eyes staring at me seem to taunt me into thinking that I’ll never grasp what is just beyond my reach. My fingers graze the edges of the breaths and words I’m searching for, but there’s nothing I can say or do to make Fear release his grip. I can’t see anything except for those red dots in a background of nothingness that are begging me to give in. I think for a moment that maybe I should. Just shut down. The current could just carry me safely downstream to a place, that in my subconscious, I know is owned by those beady eyes. Is that what I want? Do I want to be where the darkness is never lifted and sorrow fills the air every minute of every day just because it would be simpler? No. I need more than that. I know that I don’t have to settle. The more I think that I could stand up in that stream, all alone, and fight this beating current, the more I can feel those distant breaths and far off words at my fingertips. I think he can sense that I’m getting closer. He grabs my throat harder and it flashes before me. I see what I’ve forgotten and I can’t let myself lose this battle again. I try to focus in on it, but that thick air filling my lungs and the grip he’s got on me makes it harder to see my truths. Give up. Just letting go would probably be easier; he’s right about that. But I can’t because I know something better is just beyond my reach. It’s becoming more clear and the dense air is beginning to dissipate. I can’t see what’s dragging me down, but I imagine it is a river of chaos that I should’ve known would grow stronger as I tried to fight back. I’m glad I didn’t back down because although Fear grows larger, somewhere in my conscience mind, those truths are playing out. Once I reach them this terrifying nightmare can be over. Breathing gets harder, but I’ve been told everything gets worse before it gets better. Steady focus will shed the light on my seemingly unknown truths. How on Earth do I know this? It’s Faith I guess. Faith believes in everything I cannot see or feel or grasp. I have Faith now; and he knows I’ve caught on.
 

            Faith breaks through the ashy clouds that compose the darkness behind Fear. Those beady red eyes turn around to see the blinding light that’s shining clarity through the hazy sky. I can feel him loosen his grip. The suffocating air starts to release and I take my first deep breath. Fear looks back at me and then again at the light that is now filling the vacant background of my nightmare. It’s suddenly apparent that my truths accompany that light; they accompany Faith. While Fear is cowardly regressing into the small portion of blackness that’s been left in a corner of this nightmare, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. I’m encompassed by the light and it’s power to make me feel joy. I almost completely forget that Fear is still present; he’s hiding away in the blackness that represents my disordered mind. He just waits. There will be another opportunity for him to emerge and take my insecurities by storm and my chest will tighten and my mind will be lost.

 

            But for now, in this light, in this beautiful and perfect light, I forget that he exists. I remember the truths that I’d lost and I know that I am safe here. Fear’s dark corner disappears even more now. Undoubtedly I am found. Found in my thoughts. Found in the world. Found in the idea that the chaos that surrounds each neuron being fired from my brain to the tips of my fingers as I type is a fantastic gift of Faith. Thank God for writing -- my clarity.

 

            This is the nightmare I live out periodically. It’s dark and gloomy, but it’s my mind. Faith floats inside me somewhere deep and sometimes it takes what seems like all I have to find what seems lost. I might have a hard time getting started and Fear embodies a devilish figure who taunts me to the point that I feel like giving up in daily life. But then a sense of clarity emerges simply from Faith that comes from only one source of joy. It’s my therapeutic way of dealing with the naturally chaotic world around me. Writing is Faith; it forces Fear into his corner. The mess that was random neurons all firing at once becomes something beautiful. It shines in my eyes and it seems so irrational to have lost it before. I am not lost. Writing brings everything into perspective. It brings my mind ease; it brings my life clarity; and it reminds me that I don’t have to face Fear alone. I will always have a blank page waiting for my thoughts and dreams and nightmares to run across for the sake of freeing my mind.

 

See the Reflection.